My selfish heart. I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with selfishness. Aren't many parents fighting the word "mine" from the early age of two. In fact we start our lives unaware that there is anything but us and on our worst days we go back to that state of unawareness. This challenge has been big in my life recently. Moving to Sydney has been tough. Sending Mat to Bible college also tough. Parenting Elizabeth though, has taken the cake in the realm of toughness. I never knew I was still so self-centered. I mean after all I'm married and I certainly got less selfish after that, right? And I'm not a little kid any more either, I am almost 30 years old I should be over the selfishness of youth. And yet, at 6:30am when I hear that familiar little voice in the other room, telling me that night is over and the sun is up and shouldn't I be…I feel a bit selfish. And when Mat is in the bathroom getting ready to head off to school when I feel like I haven't even seen the bathroom this morning and may not get to see it for quite a while…I feel a bit more selfish.

And when it's 2 in the afternoon and I still haven't managed to get anything nutritious into my mouth for lunch and somebody is tugging on every part of me in sequence and demanding that she be held constantly… I feel selfish. And when other things come up that interrupt my daily plan (which generally involves doing as little as possible) I feel like no one cares about me. I wonder why others don't put me first; forgetting of course that I'm not putting them first either. So what am I to do? Well writing it all down helps. Getting my selfish feelings out on the screen helps me see them from a different angle and realize that they really are insignificant in a lot of ways. I am not the centre of the universe or even of my house. I have sacrificed to make my family's life easier and smoother, and that is right and good. I have lost sleep (and lots of it) to comfort my baby and help her to get more sleep, also right and good. I don't know what Saturday is really and I tend to find trips away harder than life at home and I miss making up my mind about simple life tasks and then just doing them, showering for example or brushing my teeth. But at this stage in my life I am laying it down to serve my family and hopefully make life work more smoothly for all of us. But the big deal of this whole thing is that it's not about me. At All. I find that really easy to type. But my heart mounts a serious rebellion when God reminds me of this. It's not about Beth either, or Mat or even our "calling". It's about God and His relentless pursuit of the ones He loves, in heart mind soul and body. It is about living for Him and showing the world what it means to be His. Hebrews talks about the journey through God's discipline and how it shows us His love for us that we are disciplined and then it goes on to say, "Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;" (Hebrews 12:12-17 ESV) These are some serious words. I want to do that though, to lift up my drooping hands and to get on with it. To show holiness in my way of living which will hopefully point others towards Christ. So here I go diligently seeking to rid myself of the selfish skin I wear and to strive towards servant-hearted blessing. Easy to write now during nap time when all is quite and I can think straight, harder to live when the nap is over and the busyness starts but, none the less I need to live this way. Trusting God to rid me of myself.